The Widow’s Corner


WIDOWHOOD is also a solitary occupation, but most of us don’t welcome the autonomy and freedom that comes with it. We’re in a club that no one joins willingly, but instead are initiated into after a husband or wife dies—after our best friend and lover passes.  We turn to each other for understanding, companionship, and hope.

My writings don’t omit much of the personal, so I ask readers to accept the uncensored thoughts and conclusions of one widow as she begins her journey of change.

Writing about loss digs deep into uncharted territory. It takes risks, and in exchange brings about a greater range and depth to our artistic expression. A deep immersion into our reading and writing has a quiet, calming, and healthful effect—our heart rate slows, our immune system strengthens, and we feel a general sense of being. By confronting our most difficult memories and translating them into a cohesive form of narrative—we begin to accept and heal.

I invite all widows, widowers, and their loved ones to follow my journey and write alongside with me. Please take the time to start at the beginning and read about one widow’s journey through widowhood. I hope you find solace and inspiration.

REMEMBER, one must tell the story slowly and carefully; how their loved one fell ill, the depths of their suffering, what was said before they died, and how they died. One must describe the journey to the hospital, gathering of their personal belongings, every detail of the funeral, and the aftermath. The specifics must be told. And then—that gasp—that sigh—from the listener.

Perhaps what grief requires, as much as anything, is that the process not be interrupted—that it find a time and a place in which to unfold and without (too much) interruption.

Esophageal Cancer 101: In 850 Words or Less

  by Terry Ratner, RN, MFA …..in the seventh month, on the tenth of the month, you shall starve your vital energies and do no manner of work…. For on this day it shall bring atonement upon you, to purify you, before God shall you become pure of all your aberrations. (Leviticus) 16: 29-30)  …

Esophageal Cancer 101 \ Part Two

The official diagnosis was the following: Adenocarcinoma, cancer of the esophagus (EC), located at the gastroesophageal junction, where the stomach meets the esophagus. For the next 28 days, our lives overflowed with medical tests, surgeon consults, and round-table family discussions. Those days constituted a span of time focused on a disease process, fueled by an…

Esophageal Cancer 101 \ Part Three

During my three-hour wait in the surgical waiting area, I argued on my cell phone with my 93-year-old father, vented to family and friends about a physician’s partner being a ‘no show’ for the surgery due to an office mix-up, gave a Rabbi the cold shoulder, and stood united with my family praying for a…

Esophageal Cancer 101 \ Part Four

It’s exactly two hours since my husband, Michael, was wheeled down the hospital corridor toward the surgical suites. Yes, they refer to them as suites, as if they are large, comfortable rooms with all the amenities of a four-star hotel. As a perioperative nurse for fourteen years, I understand the inner workings of an OR: bright overhead…

Esophageal Cancer 101 \ Part Five

I pictured the progress of my husband’s disease as a gathering of dark clouds that closed off any avenue of light, clusters of heavy, tentative drops, a downpour held in suspension for months…… I’m wide awake at 0530, thinking about my husband and wondering how he’s doing. It’s exactly eleven hours since his surgery and…

Esophageal Cancer 101 \ Part Six

The Facts—Just the Facts In November of 2008, my husband, Michael, underwent a surgical procedure for esophageal cancer—a transhiatal esophagectomy (THE), which in lay terms means “removal of the esophagus.” Before you gasp just thinking about having three-quarters of this useful muscle removed, it should give you some comfort to understand that it’s being replaced…

Resurrection

Left to right: Leonard and Evelyn Pasternack; Bubbles and Gerald Rotstein My mother and her two best friends, Evelyn and Bubbles, were inseparable. They knew each other as young wives in Chicago, having been introduced by their husbands who went to high school together. In the photo, Leonard is leaning in toward Evelyn, his wife.…

My Addiction

My Addiction I’m addicted to ancestry.com. It started innocently with a free two-week membership and an occasional quick search every couple of days. But then an hour or two of researching turned into five, six, or seven. It became a compulsion—my fix for the day. That was nine months ago. This obsession began after my…

Window Shopping

  In the ‘90s, after my son, Sky, died in a motorcycle accident, while I was in the depths of my worse dreaminess, I began to order as many catalogs as I could. At least thirty mail order catalogues came into the house each month and sometimes I’d have to throw a box of them…

What the Dead Don’t Know

My husband, Michael, doesn’t know that President Obama won reelection. He knows nothing about Hurricane Sandy. He doesn’t even know that the San Francisco Giants won the World Series in a sweep over the Tigers. Most important perhaps, he doesn’t know that his only granddaughter is enjoying her first weeks in preschool and is about…

Looking Back \ Part Three

The beginning of the end Three weeks before my husband was admitted to inpatient hospice, he experienced an increase in bone pain. His daily medications were no longer easing his discomfort. I remember the initial comment from his hospice nurse, “Let’s admit him to the inpatient facility where we can get his pain under control.” …

Street Walking

Street Walking By Terry Ratner, RN, MFA She walks the streets by my house. Denim jeans hide the thinness of her legs. A fanny pack buckled around her waist conceals the pack of cigarettes she needs to get through the day. She holds a plastic bag of groceries in her left hand and a black…

Looking Back Part 2

 Looking Back Part 2  Clips from a summer journal  July 2, 2010 Chemo side-effects: Fatigue Lethargy Bloating Constipation Hiccups throughout day Wednesday evening (11 p.m.) Michael is still constipated.  We drive to CVS to pick-up Milk of Magnesia, Miralex, a cup of black coffee from McDonald’s, and some prune juice, not from concentrate. These are…

Looking Back

    Looking Back  During a recent rainy day in Phoenix, I began reading a journal I kept when my husband, Michael, was dealing with esophageal cancer. I remember when he bought me this compact purple cloth book with flowers that danced on the cover. They had colorful petals that were painted on like bows.…

Let the Sighs Begin

Let the Sighs Begin   You might feel a gradual welling up of pleasure, or boredom, or misery. Whatever the emotion, it’s more abundant than you ever dreamed. You can no more contain it than your hands can cup a river. And so you surrender and suck the air. Your esophagus opens, diaphragm expands. Poised…

The Sounds of Sunday Morning

THEN Early on in our marriage, Sunday became a day of contention, mainly because my husband, Michael, preferred his cycling pleasures over spending morning hours with me. He’d set the alarm for 8:00 am, slip out of bed and head out with his two closest friends for a 30-mile bike ride. The four or five…

A Study in Morbidity

A Study in Morbidity   The Last Photo My husband died November of 2010, at 2:04 p.m.—one week before Thanksgiving. I know the time because when he took his last breath, for some reason, I glanced up at the clock. Perhaps it was a nursing response to remember the exact time of death, or a…

Looking Back Part II

Looking Back Part II  The beginning of the end Two weeks before my husband was admitted to inpatient hospice, he experienced an increase in bone pain. His daily medications were no longer easing his discomfort. I remember the initial comment from his hospice nurse, “Let’s admit him to the inpatient facility where we can get…

Looking Back October 31, 2011

October 31, 2011 Looking Back  It’s Halloween night, but the outside lights are turned off. I don’t expect any ghosts or ghouls ringing my door bell in hopes of a treat. I’m upstairs in the study clicking away on the computer keyboard and I don’t want to be disturbed. It was this exact time last…

One Year Later \ November 2011

One Year Later November \ 2011 On a Monday afternoon, November 8, 2010, an ambulance attendant pulled into the circular driveway to bring my husband, Michael, to the Coronado House, an inpatient facility for end-of-life comfort measures. I knew when I waved goodbye that my husband would not be coming home. In a little more…

The Last Dance

  October 5, 2011 The Last Dance It’s not for me to say you love me; It’s not for me to say you’ll always care. Oh, but here for the moment, I can hold you fast And press your lips to mine And dream that love will last. Johnny Mathis Today I shopped at Fry’s,…

The Unveiling

The Unveiling October 23, 2011 Referring to the “stone” sounds funny. It’s not just a stone, it’s granite, hard, natural, igneous rock essentially formed of quartz. The word ‘granite’ comes from the Latin word which means grain, in reference to the coarse-grained structure of a crystalline rock. This gives the word “stone” a whole new…

The Sky is the Limit

The Sky is the Limit Keep in motion. Don’t break promises. Grieving is self-pity, narcissism. Don’t give in.  Each day I set myself a common goal: to get through the day. Isn’t this the fundamental principle of Alcoholics Anonymous? One day at a time.  I’m determined to perform one or more activities each day that takes…

Immersed in Music

Immersed in Music I sit here clicking keys on my computer, listening to the melody of my own rhythms, trying to make sense out of my new life. The stereo is playing the soundtrack from The King’s Speech, a gentle score, light and airy; music that mimics the restrained, impetuous, and sometimes flawed moments of…

The Mathematical Equation

August 21, 2011 The Mathematical Equation: X equals the sum total  I made the mistake of typing in 2010, instead of 2011. I hesitated a few seconds before fixing the error. I secretly wished it was August of 2010 and Michael, my husband, was still alive. When I thought about the reality of my wish,…

Unexpected Treasures

Unexpected Treasures mag·net  (m g n t) n.   An object that is surrounded by a magnetic field and that has the property, either natural or induced, of attracting iron or steel. An electromagnet. A person, a place, an object, or a situation that exerts attraction. I found a Hide-A-Key today on the back side…

Telling a Story With Photos \ July 17, 2011

MY MARRIED LIFE IN PHOTOS This is my husband and myself when we were happy—-*********************************** I’m married in the above photo. The pose is one of contentness as I surround myself with flowers in full bloom.  My son-in-law took the photo at Michael’s surprise 65th birthday party—before the overhead sun, before the heat of the day, before the  cancer entered our lives.  .  .…

June 19, 2011 \ Blog

 Sunday June 19, 2011 My bras and lace panties are sitting on top of my dresser along with two pearl necklaces and a white gold chain and diamond pendant. They have sat here for over a month because of an emotional paralysis, a refusal to face the reality of my loss, not  because of a lack of drawer  space…

The World of Cancer

The World of Cancer Opening \ Act I This is how it starts. Michael wakes up one morning feeling something is wrong. He had difficulty swallowing a piece of carrot the night before and found himself kneeling at the nearest toilet bowl vomiting out tiny orange-tinged fragments. The act in itself was an enigma. He…

Bette Davis Lived Here

Bette Davis Lived Here  Sisi, my miniature schnauzer, has a fetish for relieving herself in front of Betty Davis’s Laguna Beach home. She finds the paved streets boring as she sniffs for foliage that presents itself on hillsides that are often difficult to navigate. After a great deal of exploring, my dog decides to leave…

Things I Hate

Written February 7, 2011 Things I hate . . . . .   Eating alone Washing my back  Sleeping alone Waking up to a day off Leaving work on Friday evenings Thinking about living the rest of my life without you February 12, 2011 Goals: Next month: find something new  This month: get over you  This week:  I’ll…

Free Fall

August 2010 It fell from above; a dazzling diamond, lit up like a sparkler with fire on one end as it twirled downward against a black sky; a giant star quietly and slowly falling to the ground, leaving no trace of its origin behind. I close my eyes and make a wish. I’m returning home…

Cleaning House

January 29, 2011My cleaning frenzy began with the hallway closet. I scooped up three of my husband’s winter jackets and placed them over my right arm along with a corduroy sports jacket and two pairs of worn sneakers. Grabbing the car keys, I unlocked the rear door and laid them neatly across the back seat alongside…

Back-Sliding

January 1,2010 It’s the first day of the New Year. Just yesterday, I thought I was doing well, adjusting to the loss of losing my husband. I answered a questionnaire sent to me in the mail from Hospice of the Valley.  “Are you able to get through the day without bursting into tears?” Yes. “Are you…

Cameleon

  A NEW YEAR  December 19, 2010 Tonight is the Macayo holiday party—a catered affair on Camelback Mountain which Michael and I have attended for the past twelve years. I plan to shop at Nordstrom’s for a special dress for the occasion. This is a night I’m looking forward to. It seems odd that a widow…

Diary

November 25, 2010 It’s Thanksgiving day. I’m slow to wake, not wanting to think about the recent death of my husband, wanting to drift into a deeper sleep and dream about what was, what might have been. I think about sleeping for another hour, or two or three. Opening my eyes, I gaze at the…

My Husband Is Dying. I Am Watching Him Die.

The Start of a Collage Michael wears a black knit cap over his head and it covers the tops of his ears. He tells me the hat represents his fight against this dam disease—cancer. I begin to take photos of all the family and friends who visit. I tell him I want to have a…

Clip from a Winter Journal

I have read so many books . . . . And yet, like so many other bibliophiles—bookworms, I am never quite sure of what I have gained from them. There are times when I feel I have been able to understand all there is to know in one single gaze, as if invisible branches spring…

Inside the Pages of My Head

Inside the Pages of my Head April 25, 2010 Tonight I stay up past midnight, determined to finish a book I’ve been reading for the past two months. I read the first hundred pages during my husband’s radiation therapy, the second hundred during his unexpected five–day hospitalization when he was diagnosed with radiation pneumonitis, and another…